Monster Commute – a Traffic Novel

Monster Abduction

I don’t believe in alien abductions or anything so odd or weird as that. C’mon, you’re telling me that aliens from a distant star are abducting people to study and to apply the old trusty anal probe?

Poppycock! That’s crazy talk, barely above the level of hobo-babbling.

You should be ashamed of yourself for harboring such unreasonable ideas.

I do, however, believe in Monster Abduction. Completely different.

You see, monsters seek to understand our strange ways, and so they patrol the dark places of the woods and some cities to capture us for their scholarly study.

I know this for a fact, because I’ve been abducted by monsters on no less than 73 occasions.

It started out in college.

I was at a Halloween party, and afterwards I found myself mysteriously naked in the woods, holding nothing but a an apple, a human skull and a paper kite. I’d somehow lost 9 hours of my life, and I’m certain that it was the “monster people” who did it. The only thing that I remember was being pawed by some huge, furry beast wearing a Metalica t-shirt. (Yeti.)

The police didn’t want to talk about it, and said “just go home.”

I have had many other monster encounters in subsequent years, but most of them have some things in common:

1. I lose between 4 and 12 hours of memory (The span of the abduction)
2. I tend to wake up in strange places, with no shoes or shirt
3. I’m wearing a fez, wig, or plastic viking helmet
4. My friends and family have no explanation
5. I usually have berry juice smeared all over my face (Monster abduction drug)
6. There is usually a home-made kite somewhere nearby
7. I never wake up in a Mall, but I have awoke in the woods, in a hay field, in a stone circle, and an abandoned wizard van

I have other proof which I’ll reveal over time, but I’m certain that with the power of the Interwebs, I’ll be able to get my story taken seriously this time.

Do you believe in Monster Abduction?

- D