Seven things you should never do with a zombie!!!

#7. Carpool. Zombies don’t have any sense of money, and they value brains far more than gasoline or a sense of obligation. It will be a one-sided relationship.

#6. Twitter. Zombies do not type very well, and are prone to way too many spelling mistakes to make such things worthwhile. Also, most zombies can’t count past 1.

#5. Canoeing. You’ll have to really resist hitting your zombie pals in the head with those fancy paddles. It’s not easy, I tell ya. Zombie head are made for paddling, yep. Plus, have you ever seen a zombie swim? No Phelps speed there.

#4. Dental examinations. Being a Dental Assistant to a zombie isn’t a good idea. Bad breath and no real motivation to floss makes this a no-go career. Don’t do it unless you want a sack of regret… and teeth.

#3. Beard growing contests. I don’t know if you’ve noticed this, but zombies do not usually have beards of any kind, nor are they interested in growing them. I do not know why, but it’s true. Beard pride is quite low among most of the undead. (Besides maybe liches.)

#2. Baking. Zombies are some of the worst bakers that I’ve ever seen. Yeast, flour, salt and flesh are pretty much all the same to them. They end up mixing it all together, making a true bakery disaster. You don’t want to eat those muffins, trust me. Put down that pastry.

#1. Banking. If you notice that your bank teller is of zombie-kin, you may want to wait for another assistant. I’ve mentioned that they don’t count so well, and have awful hygiene, but that’s not the real reason. It’s this: zombies are behind the current banking crisis. Who else would make such dumb, short-sighted decisions, putting our entire economy on the rocks? Only a zombie would be driven by such a blood-lust for profits. Dumb ass zombies.

I’ve got some creative readers here, proven by great comments every day. What did I miss?

What would you never do with a zombie?

Hit me with yours in the comments.

– Daniel